The Shame Game

UGH. SHAME is a big topic.

It regularly comes up when I work with high-achieving people. (I recently wrote about my own shame – check that out here.)

Evolutionarily speaking, shame serves a purpose – it’s meant to keep society functioning, and it reminds us when we behave unethically. When we veer off-path, shame says, “uh oh – that’s not a good decision- don’t do that again.”

This should be the end of it. Shame is feedback. Cool. Cool. Cool.

So why can shame feel so oppressive and….nasty?

Why does it linger and keep poking around, tripping us up?

Years ago, shame was my constant companion. It was punishing and unrelenting.

Instead of, “I made mistake. How can I fix it?”

I thought, “I’m a real screw-up. I should probably give up.”

Instead of, “We all fail sometimes. What have I learned so I can try again?”

I thought, “I am a failure.”

Brene Brown is a massively famous shame researcher and expert, so if you haven’t read her work, DO IT.

She explains that shame is related to the feeling that one is not worthy of connection and belonging. Will I be rejected because I am not good enough?

To this day, I still have a, shall we say, robust shame response.

Growing up, most of the time, I felt alone. I didn’t have girl friends throughout elementary school, and I remember that Sunday nights were particularly stressful because they signaled the start of yet another week. I was excluded, teased and put down. When I wore makeup, I was a slut, when I wore no makeup, I was ‘gross’ and ‘needed to wash my greasy face.’

The girls at school hated me, and I began to hate myself.

Back then, there wasn’t much discussion around bullying, and teachers and parents generally ignored it and hoped it would (magically) sort itself out. (Well, it did, eventually, when I begged my parents to send me to across town to a different school.)

That was grade 10. I made new friends, and looking back, I can see how much anxiety and emotion I held in my body. I felt distrustful when, all of a sudden, people in my class wanted to talk to me, and when they asked me to eat lunch with them.

I had a lot of stomach aches that year.

It was when I connected the dots, and started talking about my experiences when I was younger, that I began to understand why shame is such a strong response for me. As an adult, the thoughts that would automatically come up for me were shame-filled. I had created very harmful thought habits, all stemming from my fear-based response to years of being bullied and excluded.

I spent A LOT of time reflecting on who I am, and what I value about myself. I asked for feedback from trusted friends and colleagues, and consistently heard similar things – both in my positive strengths and my learning opportunities. I took that to heart, and worked to embrace and accept my strengths, rather than dismissing them as ‘no big deal’. I looked for ways to build on myself and grow, understanding that nobody has IT ALL FIGURED OUT, and at the same time, I can choose to take steps to be a little bit better than I was the day before. I began treating myself with compassion, and committed to speaking to myself in the same way I would speak to my best friends.

Brene has also famously said,

“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

I still have social anxiety to this day, but I can manage it.

I still question my worth, and wonder if people ‘like’ me, but these thoughts are wispy, and fleeting. I actually like me, which is more important.

The wild thing is that shame impacts us in so many ways.

😒 We might behave promiscuously, because we fear that we aren’t ‘attractive’ enough.

😒 We might fixate on our weight, because we ‘need’ to be a certain size.

😒 We might do everything people ask of us, because we are afraid of displeasing others.

😒 We might always wonder if people are mad at us.

😒 We might hold low expectations for ourselves, because we believe that is all we are worth.

Have you ever thought about the shame you experience in your life?

More importantly, how does your shame impact your ability to savor your achievements?

How does your shame hold you back?

Leading yourself through shame is absolutely possible, AND it is transformational.

I’m always here,