When ‘Being Polite’ is Hurting Your Team

What We Get Wrong With Psychological Safety

The Misunderstanding

We all think we know what psychological safety means — a workplace where people feel safe to speak up, share ideas, or admit mistakes without fear of backlash. Easy enough, right? Just be nice. Smile. Say “please” and “thank you.”

But that’s where so many leaders get it wrong.

You can have the most polite team in the world — doors held open, perfect manners, not a harsh word spoken — and still have people walking on eggshells. Because politeness isn’t the same as respect. And silence isn’t the same as safety.

Sometimes, your manners are ruining your leadership.

What Research Shows

A new study by Amy Edmondson and colleagues from Harvard Business School confirms that psychological safety isn’t a “nice-to-have” — it’s a core resource that protects against burnout and turnover, especially in tough times.

In other words: when stress spikes and resources shrink,

psychological safety is the glue that holds teams together.

The researchers found that when people feel safe to speak up, burnout drops and commitment rises — even when the tools, time, or staffing aren’t ideal. The ability to raise concerns without fear becomes an anchor in uncertainty.

Here’s the part that leaders often miss:

Burnout isn’t always about WORKLOAD.

It’s often about the absence of support. Edmondson and Kerrissey’s study reframed psychological safety as a social resource. When people can share concerns, admit uncertainty, and ask for help without fear, they’re replenishing that internal resource that keeps them engaged and resilient.

We’ve spent years treating burnout like a materials problem — not enough hands, not enough hours, not enough money. But this research shows it’s also a relational one. People need access to social resources just as much as they need access to tools, staff, and information.

When psychological safety is missing, people stop asking for help — and start burning out in silence.

Why Belonging and Mattering Matters

Feeling safe is the first step. But real thriving happens when people feel they matter — that their presence and perspective count. Safety says, “You won’t be punished for speaking.”
Belonging says, “You’re valued because you’re here.”

That distinction is everything.

In my earlier post on workplace sabotage, I wrote about how scarcity and competition destroy trust. When people don’t feel valued or included, they protect themselves — often in ways that quietly damage the team. Psychological safety is the antidote: it restores faith that collaboration is safe, not dangerous.

Civility Does Not Equal Politeness

In another piece, “Build a Better 2024 Through Connection”, I shared that connection isn’t just about being friendly — it’s about being present. Civility isn’t holding the door; it’s holding space.

True civility means asking hard questions without humiliation. It means disagreeing without demeaning. It means having the courage to care enough to tell the truth.

And that starts from the top.

The Mental Health Commission of Canada’s multi-year case study on the National Standard for Psychological Health and Safety found that the biggest predictor of success wasn’t policy — it was leadership behavior. The most effective organizations had leaders who didn’t just talk about well-being; they modeled it. They shared their own challenges, showed genuine concern for employees, and made mental health part of everyday conversation.

That’s transformational leadership — and it builds the kind of trust no poster or wellness campaign ever could.

From Compliance to Culture

The same study described a powerful shift happening in workplaces that truly embrace psychological safety. It’s not a checklist item or an HR initiative — it’s “how we do things around here.” A psychologically healthy workplace becomes part of the culture itself: people look out for each other, speak honestly, and don’t mistake comfort for care.

Creating that kind of environment doesn’t mean eliminating tension or disagreement.

It means normalizing them — and leading through them with respect and clarity.

As Amy Edmondson and Michaela Kerrissey wrote in Harvard Business Review, “Safety and comfort are not synonymous — being nice is the easy way out of a difficult conversation.” Real psychological safety isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about making it productive. It’s not about agreement, either.

“Psychological safety doesn’t mean you always get your way — it means you’re free to express your way,” they note.

And that clarity matters. Too many leaders equate psychological safety with ease, when in reality it’s a discipline: “Superb performance requires both high standards and psychological safety.” The best teams balance candor with care — they expect excellence and make it safe to chase it.

Leading Beyond Manners

Politeness makes people comfortable.
Psychological safety makes people courageous.

It’s built “interaction by interaction,” as Edmondson and Kerrissey remind us — not by decree or policy, but in the small moments where leaders listen, question, and respond with curiosity instead of ego.

If you want a team that thrives in tough times, skip the surface niceties and start building real safety — where people feel safe to speak, belong enough to care, and know they matter.

Because your leadership shouldn’t just make people feel comfortable.
It should make them feel safe enough to be honest.

Great leadership doesn’t start with a team.
It starts with the person in the mirror.

If you want your people to feel safe to speak up, you’ve got to model it first — through self-awareness, integrity, and everyday courage.

That’s what I help leaders and organizations build: cultures grounded in trust, civility, and connection — not fear, burnout, or fake “niceness.”

Let’s make leadership human again.

Book a keynote or workshop.